I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
