Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
