Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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