so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
Randomize
