Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
