Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
where does the pee come out of this thing
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
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