They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
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