Can Purell be used as lube?
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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