fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
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