Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
