my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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