I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
Randomize
