the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
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