if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
Randomize
