my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
