sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize
