Raging hang over. 6AM finish. Shat on a bag of trash in an alley. D L that last bit.
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Randomize
