I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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