Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
Randomize
