I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
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