my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
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