when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
Randomize
