I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
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