So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
