my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
