So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
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