Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
Randomize
