i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
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