no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Randomize
