jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Randomize
