I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize
