Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Randomize
