that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
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