Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Randomize
