some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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