Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
Randomize
