he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
