Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
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