my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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