I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
They have some sort of agreement that they can sleep with other people if it helps then achieve their goal, or something like that
How awkward
Yeah it's pretty fucked up
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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