You made me cry and you don't even care
So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
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