I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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