life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
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