He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
