Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
