Your face is a jimmy john
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
Randomize
