Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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