The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
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