i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
