i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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