I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
Randomize
