Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
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