Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
