apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
