ya dads aren't the best wingmen
guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
