My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Randomize
