took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
You're a waste of cheezeits
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
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