i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
Randomize
