Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
