I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
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