Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Randomize
