I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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