How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
