some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
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