Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
I just watched nsync videos for the past half hour and you could totally tell lance bass was gay in all of them
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
Randomize
